Ask CherCategory: Relationshipshow-does-one-deal-with-the-resentment-that-inevitably-arises-when-ones-spouse-refuses-to-work
Shelly asked 9 months ago
Cherilynn Veland Staff replied 6 months ago

That one is tough. Does your spouse bring other things to the relationship? Does he/she clean the house, take care of bills, do the grocery shopping? Does the spouse not work because of mental illness or a physical disability?

I am guessing the answer is "no" because you probably wouldn't be resentful if they did. In addition, I am guessing that you have already told your spouse over and over again your concerns and issues with this.

Well, there are many ways of handling this. Here are two ideas:

1. Keep doing whatever you can do to "get" them to change. Keep trying to "get" him/or her to be who you want them to be and drive yourself insane with frustration.

2. Make a decision that you are going to take care of yourself and leave; or, accept that this is who this person is. You might need a therapist's support in figuring out what the right decision is for you. You might decide to stay with his/her unchanged behavior and just change your  attitude. I

I had a good friend leave a husband like this and she is so much happier. And his new wife doesn't care that he sits in front of video games all the time. I haven't met anyone who has been able to lovingly detach to the point where they are happy with their spouses refusal to work. However, I have seen marriages continue despite this.

Either choice is hard. I think it is an interesting,and sometimes useful exercise to think about gender and society expectations. Question yourself: If this were a woman, and you were a man, would you be upset? What is wrong with a relationship where one person brings in the money?

Cherilynn Veland Staff replied 6 months ago

Anybody else got ideas?

Cherilynn Veland Staff replied 6 months ago

Anybody else got ideas?

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