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Ask CherCategory: Relationshipsdepleted-and-angry
Jess asked 9 months ago

Hi. I’ve been with my Husband for 1 year as his wife and 7 years total. He is a good man and on many respects I feel safe with him. Lately though, I have been feeling isolated, alone, depressed and unworthy in his eyes. He is an habitual nagger and criticizer. I call him my stage Mom. He is either in a space where he is angry, distant and emotionally cut off or he is in a good mood and is teasing/making fun of me (most would not take as much offense as he is joking, but I am extremely sensitive to teasing and criticism from my upbringing), or he is in full force critical mode where he is being judgmental about how I did something, what I didn’t do, etc. I’m emotionally exhausted around him. I try to do things I think will make him happy, but he focuses so hard on what I didn’t do that he doesn’t notice. Our conversation capabilities have gone down hill. Interestingly he cannot take an ounce of criticism. Any attempt to communicate my feelings is met with hostility and well that’s how I feel comments or worse gaslighting me, i.e. never did or said that. I don’t feel like I can talk to him and I’m often wondering if I made a huge mistake. I’m not perfect, I know I do things to upset and hurt him too, but I am tired of trying. Seems like I am the only one that is. We rarely have sex, barely communicate and I dont enjoy being around him anymore. He wants more time together, so I make changes to my schedule only to be ignored by the latest project he is in to. He blows up if I call him out on his part no matter how I approach it. I don’t know if he has any idea how hard I’m trying to make this work. I’m burning out. Recently he told me he doesn’t want kids when I told him before our weddding that was a deal breaker for me. I’ve changed so much for the better over the last few years, still have a ways to go, but he does not seem to be able to work on the areas that I need. There’s no intimacy. Little connection. No softness. I don’t know what to do anymore. He spends all this time trying to beautify our new place under the guise of we’ll get to relax in it, but just like the place before he uses projects or sleeping as a way to check out. He says he feels alone too, but he’s the one pushing me away. Is there any hope?

Cherilynn Veland Staff replied 5 months ago

Wow. Seems like you have been trying for so long you are tired out. I recommend telling him you are setting up a couples counseling appointment and tell him when and where it is. Let him know that you are feeling hopeless and helpless to improve things, and that you want support and guidance from a trained professional. Then, talk to friends and get a referral. He might show up. If he doesn’t, then work on yourself. Thank you so much for sharing. And keep us posted, Take care, Cherilynn

1 Answers
H answered 8 months ago

would you ever treat someone the way he is treating you? Would you even treat a stranger that way? its pretty clear he’s fully manipulating you. Get out and make sure you stay out because with him all roads lead to this, though they’ll be paved with promises and sweet talk. this guys a sociopath and they cannot be “fixed”.  Read up on them, see how classically  it describes your relationship. Gaslighting, blaming the victim, the push/pull of your time and constant criticism. you deserve better, you deserve real and you deserve children if that’s what you want. That in itself is a dirty dirty play! Everyday you stay does you emotional damage. Go and never look back.   

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